Part 10: Atmikam And/Or Laukikam?

In the last episode, I wrote about the thought I devoted to the form of the impending communication with Amma. I may have neglected to cover a parallel mental struggle to decide the content of my communication. Such games are constantly being played out, in infinite variations, one after another in the arena of my mind. In the present instance, it felt rather like simultaneous, multiple mud-wrestling matches going on, in different pits at the same venue.

There were, broadly speaking, two main areas of concern that I was bringing to Mother. One area, which I looked upon as being in the laukika (worldly) realm, pertained to the material situation of my family and myself. The other area, which I tended to classify as atmikam (spirituality), was related to my own spiritual progress. There were a number of focii of interest within each of these areas. The medical condition of my child, a perpetually unstable job situation and relationship issues (among members of my family) were some of the pigments on the laukika canvas. The atmika canvas was dominated by the brush strokes of faith and practice. More on faith, in a moment.

I have not yet narrated the story of my first meeting with Amma. At the present rate of centipedal crawl, it may take a few years yet before that particular tale gets told, if ever. My intention, in holding that back, is not born of a perverse desire to stoke the suspense. As a matter of fact there is no suspense at all; that tale is as plain as the rest of my life. It is only in the telling that colour sometimes creeps in. However, the point to be noted at this juncture is that my coming to Amma did not have any finality about it. In some ways, the drift towards spirituality in general, and Amma in particular seems to have been inexorable, even inevitable, if you study the events of my life, but there was no specific clincher that anchored my devotion. And that brings me to the issue of faith. I had come to Amritapuri, looking for something that would either shake my evolving faith in Amma as God and Guru, or solidify it beyond all doubt.

So that was one of the implicit items on my atmika agenda. I was looking for some evidence; my mind framed a proposition for Amma, a challenge in a way, that ran roughly like this: "If You are all that is purported, please give me some evidence. It does not have to be big or grand, or alter the conditions of my life in any appreciable way, but it must meet my standard of proof, a standard which I expect You (Amma), in Your omniscience to divine, not out of my arrogance, but as a matter of course." I fancied that I had a bit of a scientific temper, and a rational bent of sorts, and I expected that Amma would know exactly how to go about convincing me. I was prepared to settle for something considerably short of a published and peer-reviewed finding in Physical Review Letters (a leading journal of physics) for instance.

I also mused about the propriety and prioritization of these issues. Was atmikam to take precedence over laukikam or the other way around? Were my categories, a priori as they were, even approximately correct? What if what I considered to be spiritual was really worldly and vice versa? About a year ago (but well after my Amritapuri encounters), a senior Swami (monk) in the Ramakrishna order whom I consulted, told me that it was folly to draw a line in the sand to divide the spiritual from the material within my life, and that an integrated and holistic perspective was better. This basic idea, in spore form, had been present in my mind even before the RK Swami brought it to life by the addition of his teertham (literally holy water, used as a metaphor here, for his words of wisdom). If my atmika-laukika polarization dissolved in the face of such logic, how would I decide on what issues to prioritize? On the other hand, if I held on the categorization, how would I decide which issues within each class to take up? My mind was taken up with questions of this nature. I was a little vexed for a time, but eventually clarity descended, and I was able to approach Amma with the semblance of a plan.

Om Amriteshwaryai Namah